Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.
Romans 14:19
A friend is hurt and becomes your enemy. Your spouse breaks the news to you about a secret affair. You are repeatedly abused by a relative or close friend you thought you could trust. A meaningful relationship slowly dissolves and breaks apart.
You ache inside, so much that you don’t know if you will ever feel good again.
You discover that a member of your church has been molesting your young daughter. An elder spreads rumors about you and ruins your reputation. Dissension and strife in your local church bring bitterness and resentment that keeps building. A trusted co-worker borrows a large sum of money from you and then begins to avoid you when it is time to pay it back. A childhood friend for years reveals your deepest secrets.
Whatever it is that has happened, the wounds go deep. You never thought you could hurt this much. It takes all your strength not to strike out at the ones who have caused you this pain.
And then someone has the nerve to tell you to forgive! How can you?
The question should perhaps instead be, “How can you not?”
When we’ve been hurt that deeply, we respond almost instinctively. Tempers flair. The devil finds openings to set up shop in vengeful hearts, and we give in to retaliation, perhaps with small barbs, or perhaps with something bigger. But it often backfires on us. We might even win a legal battle or two, but inside, the gentleness in our spirits begins to wither and die. Anger and resentment take its place, slowly poisoning our hearts, and the poison spreads through our homes and churches. What once was a haven becomes just another reminder of the wounds we would rather forget.
Somewhere along the line, we may begin to realize that this is no way to live life. So we struggle to let go of the hurt, but it keeps popping up again and again.
We wish we could rewind our lives, go back to the day before this whole cycle started. In many cases, a simple apology from the heart would have resolved most of the bad feelings before they ever had a chance to take hold in us. But wishing that the one who hurt us will apologize is a waste of time. We cannot change another person’s heart. We cannot force someone to apologize, and even if we could, it wouldn’t be sincere.
When we feel everything around us is out of control and falling apart as a direct result of the actions of others, it is easy to be so absorbed about our own feelings, and the failings of others, that we miss hearing what God wants us to do. It seems like the hardest thing in the world is to forgive, but forgiveness is an authentic and true test of our Christian character. It shows if we’ve really absorbed the truth that while we were sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). We’ve been forgiven. When we truly understand the mercy we have been shown, we find it almost impossible to withhold forgiveness from others.
This principle alone is enough to test our relationship with Christ. As we move in and out of society, our work setting, and the church we attend, people are watching us to see how we respond in times of mistreatment, crisis, and betrayal. We can teach, sing, or preach all we want and we can be the greatest evangelizer of souls in our community–but if we don’t practice the principles of forgiveness and mean it from deep within our hearts, our rejoicing becomes hollow.
I presume that we are all familiar with the saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” The wisdom in this short proverb reminds us that people are watching our behavior. What we do matters more than what we say. We glibly talk about how Jesus Christ forgave His persecutors and those that hung Him high on the cross of Calvary to die for our sins. We talk about Stephen and how just before he closed his eyes he looked up to heaven and begged God to forgive those that accused him of blasphemy and then stoned him to death. But until we have practiced this forgiveness ourselves, it’s just words. Real life experience is the only teacher that can shape us and mold us into the perfect image of God. To have a heart like Christ, we must be perfect in deeds as well as the way we think. Forgiveness may be the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do, our greatest battle. But if we see it as a stepping-stone to the fountain of life, we will do it willingly and rejoice while we carry it out.
Forgiveness may seem to be unreachable, as if on the top of a mountain or behind a strong wall. But if God can tear down the walls of Jericho (see Joshua 6), He can take down the walls in our heart that keep us from forgiving. In Jericho, the walls were made of stone. In our hearts, often the walls are built from remembered pain. But often, too, other blocks are made of our stubborn nature and refusal to surrender even when we’re dead wrong. If we say, “It’s impossible to forgive,” we are denying the very nature of God. He is a great God before whom there are no impossibilities. He has told us to forgive:
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22
He wouldn’t tell us to do something if He knew it couldn’t be done. He knows we can forgive. But He doesn’t expect us to do it without Him. As we lay down our stubborn refusals and surrender our will to His, He will work in our hearts to remove strife and malice. The wall will collapse. We will truly, from the depths of our hearts, forgive. Then we will know what we have been missing and relationship with the Father will be restored.
In the last chapter, we examined the foundations of healing. It is worth mentioning that no healing can be realized unless we are sincere about forgiving first. The same is true for spiritual healing when we’ve suffered wrong. Jesus has never left us at a loss regarding the foundations of forgiveness. When He trod the earth years ago, He never ceased from teaching the great multitudes that followed Him, as well as His disciples, about the power of forgiveness. Jesus emphasized that He will hide his face from us if we refuse to forgive. He illustrated that forgiveness is not a win-lose issue. It is a must. It is deeply rooted on the grounds of obedience and if we are obedient we will forgive. If we are submissive to the words of God, we will find that forgiveness becomes easier and easier.
Foundations of Forgiveness
What do we understand about forgiveness? And why do we think it necessary as a part of the Christian journey? What has Scripture said about it? Consider these perspectives:
- Emotions do not dictate whether or not we forgive others. Forgiving is principle based – not based on emotions.
- There is no communion with God when we refuse to forgive.
- An unforgiving spirit opens up the door for resentment, anger, and vindictiveness, very common symptoms of a resistant attitude.
- Forgiveness is reciprocal because when we forgive we receive forgiveness from God, and when we say we’re sorry to others they will likewise reach out to us.
- A church meeting or family gathering can help to bring clarity or air grievances, but forgiveness is not based on meetings. Forgiveness must be a choice of the individuals involved.
- There is no such thing as “limited forgiveness.” Don’t be surprised if the same person who let you down today, does the same again in the future.
- Forgiveness is based on immediacy and genuineness.
- The path to the kingdom is through forgiveness because that is the core basis on which Jesus’ blood was shed.
- An unmerciful person does not understand what forgiving is all about.
- The greatest blessings awaits those who forgive.
- It means nothing for others to forgive you or you to forgive them solely on the basis of guilty feelings.
- When we forgive we must do so completely and not hold grudges or be suspicious afterwards.
- Forgiving does not mean that we must trust blindly. We should still make sensible and cautious decisions in the future.
Jesus uses parables to make basic truths and principles easier to understand. In Luke 15, He tells the parable of the prodigal son. This story analyzes the power of two spirits: the unmerciful and the merciful. We learn of the attitude of a despondent but hopeful father who was mature enough to overlook the impulsivity of his younger son, while his older son, jealous and craving attention, had a hard time looking past his brother’s squandering behavior.
Then He said: “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything. “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’ “And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry. “Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’ But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’ “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’” Luke 15:11-32
Preachers and teachers have analyzed this parable from every angle and presented it from various viewpoints. To some, the parable is telling of a sinner returning to Christ and heaven rejoices because a man that was lost is found. Others have found lessons about self-will and stubbornness. Some speak of the necessity of being humbled, and the dangers of false pride.
Regardless of which way we tackle this meaningful story, the message of forgiveness resounds through the entire text. Although this compassionate father must have been dismayed at how his son had wasted his inheritance on intemperate living, it did not stop him from exhibiting genuine compassion and forgiveness. He clearly believed all along that the day would come when his son would turn the corner and head towards home. This perspective gave him strength when he felt weak and courage when he felt sorrow.
The wayward son rehearsed his speech over and over. The father didn’t need to. His heart had already forgiven, and he simply responded out of his heart. It is interesting to recognize that although there was temporary separation between father and son, their relationship remained intact. The son was embraced and restored all in the same instant. What joy, to be forgiven like that! And what an amazing gift the Lord has given us: that we can forgive and restore just as He has done for us. When we show others forgiveness, it sends a powerful message of hope. In the midst of darkness, forgiveness gives them light.
The older son, who had nursed feelings of jealousy and irritation instead of forgiveness, also responded from his heart. He blurted out his displeasure with the whole situation. Unfortunately, he was so absorbed with his own feelings of disdain for his brother that he couldn’t grasp the concept of forgiveness. Nor could he understand why his father, whom he had served for all these years, was so keen to give undeserved attention to a son who was selfish and irresponsible.
In western culture, we are encouraged to be assertive, and not let others take advantage of us. If the older brother had confided in us about how unappreciated he felt, and how unnecessary and undeserved an extravagant celebration would be, we might urge him to confront his father about the upcoming feast.
But that is not God’s counsel. The father showed his older son that forgiveness makes room for peace and harmony in God’s presence. When others are moved to right the wrongs they have done, even when complete restitution is impossible, forgiveness takes front and center. Like this son, we too must be careful not to get carried away with our own need for self-gratification. We must center our hearts on the needs of others so that they too can be set free. When we loose the chains of heaviness that hold down others we might have had a conflict with, it will be easier for us to honor God. When other people fall flat on their face and look up at us for mercy and forgiveness, we must not pretend that we don’t hear God’s voice beckoning us to give them what He has so freely given us. At one time or another in our own lives, we too will be at the mercy of others, seeking forgiveness for mistakes we have made. When we show mercy and extend a heart of forgiveness, we are being obedient. We are showing the Father’s love.
Jesus also taught lessons about forgiveness from two different perspectives in Mark 11 and Matthew 5. As He opened the spiritual eyes of his disciples, they began to understand the vital nature of forgiveness. Did they want their prayers to be heard? Then they must forgive:
And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:25-26
It is an awesome privilege to be able to address God and have Him hear us. And it is an act of indescribable mercy that we are forgiven. This passage shows us that both the privilege of prayer and the assurance of forgiveness are intertwined with our own willingness to forgive. Not sometime in the future. Not even “later today.” No, we are to forgive as we stand there praying. The other side of conflict is found in Matthew 5.
Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24
If you have offended someone else, Jesus places more importance on making it right with that person than with bringing an offering to God.
Clearly, both parties involved in a rift or conflict must seek reconciliation if they want full relationship with the Lord. Can you imagine what kind of world we would have if everyone took these two exhortations seriously? Consider how many conflicts remain unresolved because both parties believe the other is at greater fault. But a careful reading of the Scriptures leaves no wiggle room. Whether we caused the offense, or endured it, or both, we know what we must do: go and make it right.
One final word: If you have an outstanding apology or a need to forgive someone, I urge you to do it right away, and do it eagerly. The time may be short. You never know the moment God will snatch a person away. If He offers an opportunity for reconciliation, take it gratefully. You never know which opportunity will be your last.
Deepening Your Connection Through Forgiveness
- Make a sincere apology to anyone you might have offended, whether big or small.
- Forget about any grudges you’re holding on to and simply move on in your life in Christ.
- Develop a prayer routine where you take the time out to pray for others who might have done something to you that you didn’t tolerate very well.
- Seek out the different Old and New Testament passages that give examples of times when forgiveness was sought.
- Don’t be a fool or allow yourself to be battered and bruised by others. Put your guard up and use wisdom in your interactions.
- When other people ask for your forgiveness, don’t put them on hold or say things like, “I’ll think about it.” Forgive them immediately so they can be free in spirit.
- Do some journal work if you think it helps you alleviate fears or trust issues.
- Ask God to forgive you when you have sinned instead of thinking the wrong you’ve done is too disgraceful for forgiveness.
Words from the Fountain
Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37